It Hunts…

This blog is about my journey to stay sober.

Decaf and Masochism

OK, right now…as in this very moment…I have a house full of people drinking craft brews and laughing it up having a great time. Me, I am sitting here with a cup of steaming decaf writing to whoever might read this. “But why are you doing this to yourself?” Well, for one it is a dinner party that we have every Sunday at our house and so I didn’t want to go changing it just because I have kicked the booze (again), but also because I do enjoy having these people over and have got to be OK with people drinking around me. Right now though, if I’m being honest, it kind of sucks. Usually I am on my 4th or 5th drink, lighting up my mind (as I call it) and really starting to relax. Juxtaposed against my stark stares and lack of socializing tonight I must seem like a Jeckyl/Hyde type. That’s OK. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.


Twizzlers, Tea, Skating and Sex

OK, it’s the evening of day 2. My wife went out with some friends and my son is in bed. I am bored shitless. This is one of the things about not drinking: you have so much more of the day back but usually, at least in my case, you are too tired from concentrating on not drinking to do much with that time except to read sober blogs and space out. I will say that today was a good day. I took my son skating at a rink I have been telling him I would take him to for a while now, I made love to my wife (which is always great, sober or not) and we settled in for some junk food while watching a documentary on sharks. But now that is over and I am alone with some tea and the deafening silence of my thoughts. I have hours before I will be able to sleep, but it’ll be worth it when I wont wake hungover tomorrow…

Day 2: Future’s So Bright…

So it rained all day yesterday and all night but I didn’t drink. Instead I played music with a friend and hung out with my son and vegged on the couch with my wife and then I lay in bed awake for about 3 hours before finally falling asleep. Now I am having coffee, sober, on a Saturday and that is a rare thing in my life thus far. Besides being tired I feel great. Clear headed and ready to face the day! This post has no purpose aside from accountability and so here I am showing up, punching in, doing the damn thing!

a window…

Last night a friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while stopped by my house without warning. I was excited to see him and offered a beer while grabbing another from the fridge. He declined and when we were sitting on the porch having a cigarette he told me of how he had come to a realization recently that we was an alcoholic and since then he had split with his longtime girlfriend (for now, anyway), joined AA and moved out to the country. I sat sipping my beer, listening with a sense of pride and jealousy. I warned him of the pitfalls I had encountered while not drinking, but alas, I was sitting with a drink which I had no intention of putting down and I didn’t put it down. I found myself telling him to hold onto it tight because once you let go of it the trying to get it back gets harder and harder, in my case anyway. I found myself telling him that my drinking was like a room that I went into every evening. A room that has no windows and no doors. It has been over a year since I have been on here writing anything because I have been trapped inside that room, but my friend coming over and telling me his story provided me a window and these words are my strength as I am opening it and I am pulling myself out. Hello everyone.

Music in a bar…sober.

So one of the things I do with my time is play the drums in a band. I have been playing since I was 13 and have been with my current band for the past 3 years and thoroughly enjoy it, but I knew it was gonna be a bit sticky playing out. Well, tonight I got to experience just how sticky and in reality it turned out to be easier than I thought it would be. It probably helps that I have been going to a lot of AA meetings and reading a lot of the literature, but I wasn’t at all tempted or feeling left out. In fact, a friend was there to see me play, an old drinking buddy, and before we played I was talking to him and to be honest I wasn’t envious at all. Between watching him go after drink after drink to smelling like a still to watching him stumble with his lighter I felt pretty damn good about this new sobriety of mine!

Shit Just Got Real!

While on a run with my dog this morning I had memories of sitting in my 9th grade Social Studies class, empty stainless steel coffee mug that I had had full of vodka and O.J. on the bus ride to school, trying to figure out how I could constantly have the buzz that I was having all the time with no break. Then I remember being on the track during P.E. later in my high school career, still working on the same problem; how could I stay buzzed all the time without killing myself? 6 years later I was sitting in my cubicle, not buzzing, and still trying to figure it out. That was the first time that I came to the realization that there was no way in which I could constantly be drunk or close to it without killing myself. That fact scared me so bad that I left work early that day, closed all the blinds, cranked up the AC and sat on the couch in the dark drinking for hours. I had forgotten about all that until this morning. Until that run this morning I hadn’t realized that I am finally living that realization that I had 12 years ago and shit just got real and I had to stop my run and look my dog and realize that right then and right now, as I am writing this, is probably the most scared I have ever been. 

17 down, 17,000 to go

I get really uneasy with the term “One Day at a Time”. It scares me. I know me and what I will do, should I ever get the urge to drink strong enough is that, if I tell myself it truly is one day at a time, I will set a date to let myself drink and that is unacceptable. To be it’s all days, no matter what. All days at all times. With that said I am on day 17. Another Saturday morning NOT hungover. Yay. I haven’t written in a while and I’m not sure why. I haven’t been going to meeting either. Well, I found one on Tuesday evening that I like and want to go to and I have been doing some online meetings but none of the 90 in 90. Oh well, I will keep an eye on myself and if I find I need to start going to meetings every day then I will. I’m still not sure that AA is the route that my program is going to take. I think it’s great and I will be a part of it, but I may or may not work the steps. I’m sure some of you have some pretty strong advice for me regarding that and I would love to hear it. I know those that have gotten sober with and without the steps. What do you think?

Clothing Optional

So here I am at what is probably the hardest time for my sobriety every day. It’s night time, the kid is in bed, the wife is studying and I am vegging out on the computer. I used to LOVE getting a good buzz right about this time. Watch some videos or read some things online and throw more than a few back. I might end up in bed sleeping fine, but with the knowledge that there will be hell to pay tomorrow, or I might end up on the front porch, my head falling into my lap at 3 am because I am drunk and exhausted, or I might end up naked on the bathroom floor, which was all too common. Now I am drinking seltzer water and relaxing, but bored. I have to remind myself that those videos are still online and so are the articles. The front porch is still awaiting my ass and the bathroom floor is always free, clothing optional. It’s a mind over matter deal and at this point my mind matters more than anything, especially since tomorrow makes 14 days!

gummi worms and sugary drinks…

coming home from work tonight the wind felt great and the air was cool and I was thinking about how nice it would be to sit on the front porch and drink some beers so I went to a meeting. It’s the first time I’ve been to a meeting since that one time when I went to meeting a lot and got 30 days sober and promptly celebrated with drinks! I didn’t pick up a chip though. I’m not sure I want to be back in AA, but it did help me to be around a bunch of sober folks. After the meeting I went to the grocery store up the street and got myself lots of sugary drinks and gummi worms…my favorite candy! It may be a beautiful night to sit out and drink, but that don’t mean it’s gotta be booze! 

On another note I have noticed that instead of logging onto Facebook all the time I now log onto here. You are all quickly becoming my new social network!

…and I stayed sober through it all…somehow…

This weekend…ahhh…this weekend. Lemme tell ya, aside from my son and my wonderful wife everyone at the wedding we went to was drinking heavily. Besides the awkward nature of the event due to my mother and father being in the same vicinity and my brother stressing over how to pay for a wedding and honeymoon that he had, of course, not budgeted well for was my own silly situation of being the one who everyone there knew could destroy the bar single handedly, not drinking. My father came up to me at the reception and despite my having told him for days about my not drinking and how different things were for me, said “you gonna have a beer?” I looked at him and said “Uh, I don’t drink anymore. Not even on special occasions?” he asked, tilting his head. “You don’t really get how this thing works do you?” I asked and walked away. He should know though, having had a brother, a father and a grandfather that all drank themselves to death. Oh well. Anyway, I got through it. Somehow. I am currently running on about 20 hours of sleep over the past 5 days. Grrr. Bed calls…

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It Hunts...

This blog is about my journey to stay sober.

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